Eat, Pray, Love survival guide.

So my wife read Eat, Pray, Love last year and absolutely loved the book. She recommended it to all her friends and they equally enjoyed it. So when it was announced that it was being turned into a movie, she got pretty excited. The movie was recently released and to her credit, she tried to organize a lady’s trip to go see it. Much to my disappointment, the group just could not work out a time when they all could make it. It appears that the same "no girl left behind" bar/club mantra that has left countless guys with blue balls when they most likely would have scored continues on well into adulthood. Since they invited four girls, they couldn't go until they found a day and time in which all four girls were available. That's impossible these days with career, family and community obligations all vying for calendar space. Since it wasn't working out, I decided to play the good husband and take her to see this film. I don't think that was the wisest decision I've ever made. I guess I should have known when my wife's best friend high-fived me and laughed upon hearing that I was going to see this movie.

There hasn't been a movie with a more appropriate title since Snakes on a Plane. Midway through this movie I felt just like Samuel L. Jackson did in Snakes. I was tired of all that MF'n eating and praying. That's all it was. She ate, she prayed. She ate some more, then meditated. She's eating again. There she goes trying a new religion again. Then they sprinkled a little bit of love at the end and rolled the credits. Misery, thy name is Eat, Pray, Love! And the love portion of the film included the most sensitive man ever portrayed on film. Javier Bardem went from the bad ass drug enforcer hunting down lost drug money in No Country for Old Men, to the softest, most gentle heterosexual man in existence. One of his lines literally made me yell “Oh Jesus” in the theater.* Among the 100 or so women in the theater, there were 3 guys - me, a guy sitting in front of me who sent and received text messages throughout the movie and some poor schmuck in the back who just looked beaten down by life. Trust me fellas, if this movie is on your agenda, get out of it. Here’s what I suggest.

1. Buy two tickets and suggest your wife/girlfriend reconnect with a friend who she hasn’t seen in awhile. Women always have someone to reconnect with. Sweeten the deal by offering to babysit or run errands. This should work.

2. Offer to take her to dinner at some high end restaurant. Believe me; dropping a C-note on dinner is much more appealing than sitting through this movie. Furthermore, many of those meals do look very good so you could end up at some fancy place AFTER you’ve had to sit through the movie.

3. If you can’t get out of it, have a few drinks beforehand. Actually have several and if possible, whip out your old college flask and sneak your favorite spirit in. Good luck guys!

*Note: I do not advise this as it resulted in a stern look from the Mrs. and several sneers from the audience. Luckily I am a large man or I’m sure I would have gotten smacked.

** Actually run the errands and or watch the children. This author wrote a follow-up so you don’t want to end up having to sit through a sequel because of poor performance this time.